The Ashes: 4th Test, day 1

England have spent the previous three Tests grafting hard and building up their 1-0 advantage.  Today they flushed it efficiently down the toilet with three hours of the most inept cricket you will ever have the displeasure to witness.

They did not so much fluff their lines as miss their cue, stumble drunkenly on to the stage, insult the front row of the audience, belch in their co-stars face and fall face-first through the backdrop.  It was utterly embarrasing.

I’m not sure I can even remember such a poor performance during the 90s, when England made a habit of embarrassing themselves against Australia.  It was that bad.  Andrew Strauss must have felt like a little boy lost as he watched his team bottle it in such spectacular fashion.  There was nothing he could have done, and this is the sort of performance that might end the career of some of those he has shown faith in.

Australia played well, but they did not need to produce anything spectacular.  They simply handed England a shovel, and sat back contentedly to watch them dig away furiously.  After today, England do not deserve to win the Ashes, and the momentum shift and mental battering they inflicted upon themselves means they are unlikely to.  This Test was lost by lunch on the first day, barring a miracle (not just a sporting one, a real one), so they might as well start thinking about the win they will need at the Oval.

Whilst everyone will bemoan the absence of Lord Fred Almighty, consider this: all of England’s 1st innings wickets went down to catches.  On a bowler friendly day where there’s a bit of seam and swing, you’d expect to see a few LBWs and bowleds.  The reality was, Australia pitched the ball up, it moved a little bit, and England’s batsmen threw their wickets away by playing loose, flat-wicket shots.

The only one to emerge with any credit was Matt Prior who, half an hour before the start, could barely stand up having suffered a back spasm.

Having subsided for 102 (double their previous collapse in Jamaica, so progress at least), England showed that they had learned nothing by bowling short and wide, and allowing Australia to halve the deficit in about 7 overs.  The bowling was so bad that Watson and Ponting at one stage were scoring at 8 runs per over.

The recalled Harmison was one of the biggest culprits, and showed why he should be politely requested to see out his career at Durham.  He actually struck early, removing Katich, but then fed Ponting in particular and allowed him to extinguish any hope England might have had of striking back quickly.

The bowling improved as the day wore on, with Australia finishing 94 runs ahead on 196/4.  Stuart Broad was the best bowler, picking up 2/29 as he went from the zero of the attack to zero point one.

The 1st session of the day feels distinctly like the key session in the entire series.  Australia have one hand on the Ashes, and it was England who closed their fingers for them.  So, now for a prediction:  Australia will win this match by an innings.